As a rule, talking about sex on a first date is discouraged. Sexual intimacy generally comes about through any number of discussions and mutual decisions arrived at sometime during the formation of some kind of meaningful relationship. The notion that sexual intimacy suddenly explodes without warning or preamble is usually reserved for romantic fiction and Hollywood films.
Then again, some of the most popular and successful primetime television shows have been based on the ongoing sexual chemistry between two of the lead actors. In some cases, this has taken several years to bring to fruition on the small screen. So whether you’re out on a first date or a fiftieth date, a couple should definitely discuss sexual activity prior to actually engaging in sex.
If you’re going to talk about sex, then be prepared. Be aware of questions that may come up prior to sexual activity. If you are not using birth control in one form or another, this needs to be discussed. If you have some sort of sexually transmitted disease, this too needs to be discussed. If your former partner has been diagnosed as HIV positive, you need to think twice before even talking about sex with a new partner and get yourself tested on a regular basis.
What if I don’t want to talk about sex on the first date?
Many experts agree that bringing up sex on a first date is generally a bad idea. If you read through various dating forums and matchmaker sites likes JDate.com, you’ll find that most women, and some men, think that men will judge women negatively for openly talking about sex too soon in a relationship. In fact, many dating sites such as E Harmony.com agree that talking about sex on a first date is a harbinger of doom.
But what if sex just happens on a first date?
Sex doesn’t just happen. Sorry guys! Before your pants end up around your ankles and your naked flesh comes together in the heat of passion, somebody planned to get to this point. Perhaps it was the first long kiss that triggered some deep autonomic response, but more to the point, sex, at least good sex, takes some time to develop and is far better with both the knowledge and consent of all parties involved.
Whether that happens over the course of a long relationship or in the span of a single date, sex is a process; a process with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Again, this author is referring to good sex, fulfilling sex, sex that takes some time and care and attention. This is sexual intimacy, not just a quick exchange of bodily fluids to relieve some sort of carnal itch.
When should we talk about sex?
Before, during, and after! The greatest pleasure center of the human body, male or female, is the brain. The mind, in conjunction with the physical body, can provide enormous pleasure during sexual encounters. While tender caresses can stimulate a body, words are often necessary to actively engage the brain.
What should we talk about?
Once the preliminary questions are out of the way as described above, and you and your partner(s) have finally decided to proceed with sex in the course of a dating relationship, there is still plenty to talk about. Talk about what you enjoy and what gives you pleasure.
A first sexual encounter should be like a guided tour, as two (or more) individuals get together for the first time and begin to learn about one another. Don’t be afraid to express what turns you on. A little game of show and tell is also helpful for first sexual encounters. These are not behaviors that most people are comfortable with on a first date!
Having sex on a first date can also lead to significant awkwardness, and the infamous coyote syndrome. At the very least, neither party may be looking forward to a second date if conversations about sex have set a negative tone during the first dating encounter.
What if my date isn’t into it, or I’m not ready?
It’s also important to set some boundaries and communicate what won’t work and what you may be uncomfortable doing with a new partner. Waiting until the last moment to say you don’t want to do something can really kill a mood and completely change the course of a first encounter. So, it’s especially important to be honest up front and articulate specific likes and dislikes.
Most importantly, at any point during a relationship, there must be respect for a partner’s needs, wants, and desires. Rarely are two people completely in sync in the beginning of a relationship, much less on a first date. This is a getting-to-know-you period. Many people would be spooked by a discussion of sex on a first date, and unlikely to throw caution to the wind and end up in the throes of sexual passion.
A first date is like a job interview. You’re always expected to be on your best behavior. Be willing to extend yourself in conversation and be willing to take time to get to know someone before initiating sexual activity. Finally, keep communication lines open and keep on talking.