GFE, CIM, ATM – Am I On the Right Website?

Man Asleep on ComputerSo you’re checking out a new dating website and things seem sort of normal until you start finding terms you don’t recognize. Maybe it starts with GFE or CIM, but eventually you’re getting into BBBJTCNQNS and you’re wondering if you’ve accidentally stumbled into some kind of top secret government website. Congratulations, you’ve just found an escort site!

Escort sites are sometimes laid out like search sites and they make it pretty clear what they’re about. Other times, an escort site might look like a message board, a chat site, or a dating site. An escort site might be local, regional, or worldwide. And no, they don’t all have the header, “Hey sailor, looking for a good time?”

Does anyone actually use these things?

Escort sites are hugely popular these days. Guys would much rather go online and risk a computer virus than go into the worst neighborhoods in their town and risk far worse than a blown hard drive by picking up a streetwalker.

The search functions of these sites make picking up a hooker like shopping for a new watch on Ebay. You can choose things like height, build, ethnicity, and, of course, which of your favorite acronyms the chosen lady of the evening might be willing to indulge in. Then, when you’ve made your choice, you can check their reviews and find out what other horny degenerates like yourself thought of her. But be warned, your mileage may vary (YMMV).

Why do escort sites use so many acronyms?

Escort sites are essentially playing a game of cat and mouse with law enforcement, which is known as LE on the escort sites, incidentally. They are allowing escorts to advertise their services, which are illegal just about everywhere in the United States, to a client base that does not ordinarily break the law. The idea is that law enforcement will see things like TOFT and not know what the heck they’re looking at, so they’ll just wander off and write some parking tickets or something.

LE officers aren’t the only people the acronyms are designed to confuse. Obviously, there are a whole lot of jealous spouses out there who might just glance over a man’s shoulder at the worst possible time. If they see DT, it probably won’t set off the same alarm bells as the words “deep throat.”

The acronyms also make it easier for a person to tell an escort what they really want. When an ordinarily straight-laced man goes to a prostitute, he may be more comfortable saying that he wants a PSE, rather than describing everything that goes into the “porn star experience.”

What are some acronyms that escort sites use?

The more general acronyms refer to the overall experience, such as GFE for “girl friend experience” and PSE for the aforementioned “porn star experience.” While the PSE might involve a number of sexual goodies like oral sex, anal sex, and quite a few fetishes, the GFE might involve deep French kissing (DFK), friendly conversation, and more conventional sex. Some might argue that to get the true GFE, the escort would also need to spend all your money, wreck your car, and get into a fight with your mom, but that is debatable.

There are a number of acronyms devoted to oral sex because, well, men like oral sex. It all starts with the BJ, an acronym which should be self-explanatory to anyone who has not been in a convent or monastery their whole life. There is the covered BJ (CBJ), the bareback BJ (BBBJ), the deep throat BJ (DTBJ or DTBBBJ)—you get the idea.

In escort lingo, you can also tack letters onto the end of the BJ acronyms to describe the all-important finish. The letters TC at the end would mean “’to completion” while the letters COF, COT, or COB after a particular BJ acronym would describe where the product of said act might end up. Of course the holy grail of oral sex acronyms would be BBBJTCNQNS, which is the bareback BJ to completion, no quit, no spit. It’s kind of like ordering a drink at Starbucks, isn’t it?

What other code words do escort sites use?

In addition to the acronyms, there are also certain code words that escort sites use. For instance, men may be warned to beware of a “bait and switch,” meaning that the woman in the picture is not the one who actually answers the door or shows up. A “mamasan” would be an often-imposing, older Asian woman who might answer the phones or act as the bouncer at a massage parlor. A “happy ending” would refer to the conclusion of a massage that involves some kind of sexual release.

Apparently some sexual acts are a source of national pride, based on the national or racial code words used to describe them. French, for instance would describe oral sex, while Greek would describe anal. Russian involves sliding a certain male body part between a woman’s breasts and Asian involves giving oral attention to a bodily orifice that one might not ordinarily expect to get such attention. It kind of makes you wonder how these national and ethnic reputations were earned, doesn’t it?

There are some other sexual terms that might get bandied about on an escort site, too, but they are not necessarily exclusive to those sites. You might hear someone refer to “dining at the Y,” “reverse cowgirl” or “mish,” each of which describes a specific sexual act or position.

Do the acronyms and codes actually work?

For the purposes of throwing law enforcement off the trail, the acronyms are basically useless. These acronyms are usually covered in the first day or two of training for a vice officer, just in case he hadn’t already picked them up on the street. If, by chance, there is an officer who transferred in from the monastery, it would take all of 45 seconds of Internet searching to get complete descriptions of these terms.

A suspicious spouse would have an equally easy time looking up the meanings of acronyms and codes from an escort site if she had probable cause to do so. Incidentally, “Dallas Escort Review Board” or something like that at the top of the page you’re surfing would probably constitute probable cause for a spouse to look up some of the terms, especially when she sees that you’ve just posted an ad looking for an Asian spinner who is D/D free to perform the rusty trombone on you after a BBBJ.

What acronyms do normal dating sites use?

Normal dating sites are a bit tamer in the use of acronyms than their escort site neighbors, although they do have some interesting ones. If you’re looking for a friend with benefits, you might pay attention to profiles that stress FWB. For no strings attached fun, NSA is what you need.

You can find the situation you’re looking for by checking if a woman is a single white female (SWF), married black female (MBF), or divorced female (DWF, DBF), or various other combinations. If you like petite girls, you should probably steer clear of the big, beautiful woman (BBW). Or maybe you should ask her out anyway, after all, you only live once (YOLO).

Are you more likely to get laid using an escort site or a dating site?

This is really kind of an unfair comparison because escort sites are almost a sure thing. As Willie Nelson once sang, “If you’ve got the money, honey, I’ve got the time.” As long as you check the reviews, bring the right amount of money, and show up at the right place, your odds are pretty good of leaving happy. Still, there are things that can go wrong on an escort site that make the downside of regular dating sites pale in comparison.

Police do run stings through escort sites, so there is always a possibility that the pretty young thing you’re going to visit will turn out to be a six-foot tall, two-hundred-and-fifty pound policeman who would really like to discuss your plans with you. There are also thugs waiting to rob you, diseased crack-addicts, and bait-and-switch hustlers.

Dating sites have their own challenges. After the first time you meet the psycho who won’t stop calling you and texting pictures of the two of you in a little heart-shaped border, the diseased crack addict suddenly doesn’t seem so bad—at least a shot of penicillin might clear that up. Still, most people on dating sites are relatively normal and at least you’ve removed the criminal and law enforcement element from the equation.

The tricky part about getting laid from a dating site is, well, getting to the sex. First you need to make sure that’s what your potential partner wants, and that she’s not saving herself for marriage or something. If you do find a woman whose goals are similar to yours, you still need to figure out when to make your move. Even in this day and age, many women feel cheap if they have sex on the first date, but most men feel that if it hasn’t happened by date three, it’s time to move on.

So maybe you can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a website by its acronyms. If the ladies posting ads are talking about DFK as part of their GFE package, you need to either move on or get some cash ready. If, on the other hand, you see an ad for a SWF looking for NSA fun, you’re on a real dating site and you are free to party on with just date money.