It may seem counter-productive to want to annoy the guy or girl with whom you are out on a date—most people are annoying enough without even trying—but there are a few instances when you just might want to see how far you can go before your date storms off in a huff. In such instances, you need a good bag of tricks to use in order to get the job done right.
For instance, you may be on a bad blind date set up by your mom and you want to end the evening as quickly as humanly possible. Or, you may be trying to end a relationship and you don’t have the guts to come right out and tell your date to take a hike. Whatever the reason, there are many ways to annoy the hell out of your date so that he or she won’t want to ever go out with you again.
Of course, you may just want to annoy your date because you are bored and want something to do to liven things up a bit. If you are one of those people who is so attractive and sought-after that you are beating them off with a stick, then go ahead.
#1: Don’t Mind Your Manners
Remember all those things your mom told you about how to act at the dinner table? Do the exact opposite. Talk with your mouth full of food. Chew with your mouth open. Hell, do both at the same time!
Pick your teeth with your knife. Eat with your hands. Wipe your mouth on your sleeve. Belch and say loudly, “Gee, that felt good!”
If you need to ramp it up a notch, go right ahead. Pick your nose and flick it at other tables. Fart loudly. Whatever it takes. Pretty soon, your date will be annoyed to the point of considering silencing you with a quick jab to the heart with a butter knife.
#2: Talk about Your Ex
If you don’t have the nerve to act like you were raised in a barn, then go for an annoyance of the heart. In conversation, relate everything back to your ex.
The key is to relate every topic to how your ex was gorgeous/handsome/smart/rich/perfect—and better than your current date.
#3: Have a Good Cry…Repeatedly
Another option that will unnerve most people is a bad case of the blues. Most dates will be caring during one or two crying jags about whatever, but most sympathy will dry up and turn to annoyance after the fourth cry or so.
So put a sliced onion in your coat pocket or purse and turn on the blubber. Cry over the arrival of the salad. Sob over the start of the movie. Turn on the water works while dancing.
While you are blubbering, be inconsolable. Howl and sob and sniffle so that your words are about as intelligible as a dog saying, “I love you.”
#4: Make Up Stories
When growing up, did you want to be an astronaut? Or a rock star? Now you can be! Tell a million interesting stories about yourself to your date, the waiter, and whoever will listen. Just make sure they are all lies.
Start your stories with, “Back in dubbya-dubbya-two (WWII)…” or, “When I was undercover in Rome for the CIA…” Keep a totally straight face, and don’t back down from your story.
#5: Remember Your Childhood
If you are pressed for time to annoy your date, then remember all those little tricks and tactics of childhood. Repeat everything your date says. Plug your ears and say, “La la la la…” while your date is talking. Answer every question with “Your face.”
#6: Speak With an Accent
Another great option for really bugging your date is to speak with an accent. For the entire evening. Like a Renaissance Festival employee, you never break character.
There are many from which to choose. You could try a Southern accent, a New York accent, or a Maine accent for something domestic. Or, you can get all exotic with an Irish accent, an English accent, French, Russian etc.
#7: Bring a Book
You can also annoy your date by ignoring him or her completely. Bring a book, and take it out for some reading. When your date starts to talk, hold out your index finger in a wait-a-minute gesture until you finish the chapter.
#8: Get Obsessive-Compulsive
Another fun option is to pretend that you have developed obsessive-compulsive disorder. In order to stave off disaster, you have to do everything in threes or sixes; or you have to spin around twice after you speak, etc.
#9: Confuse Your Restaurants
If you are going out to eat on your date, you can also mix up your restaurants. If you are in a really nice restaurant, order a Big Mac and fries or a Taco Supreme. Get irate when the restaurant doesn’t have it.
The same goes if you are at McDonald’s or another cheap option; order the Chicken Coq au Vin with the Orange-Saffron Glaze and insist that they make it.
#10: Talk about the Future
This one might scare your date off more than the others combined. Talk about your future in terms of your upcoming marriage and the eight or more children the two of you are going to have. Give them all names.
Keep in mind that this last option has the highest likelihood of backfiring, so use with caution!